Growing Up Wealthy: Breaking the Silence

Growing up in a wealthy family can bring challenges that may not be apparent, creating feelings of isolation that are rarely discussed. The key to family flourishing in such circumstances is open communication between parents and their children, say Jill Shipley and Harmony Abney.

Most imagine that being born into a wealthy family is like winning the lottery. And in many ways, it is. You have tremendous opportunity, freedom, security, and choice. There is no discounting the seemingly never-ending benefits, power, and influence that having money provides.

Yes, money makes much of life easier and in many cases more fun. But it does not bring only happiness and solve all of life’s challenges. In fact, inherited wealth can be a heavy burden. Feeling guilt and shame for having more resources than others (especially that you did nothing to earn) does not help anyone. Money does not need to cause strain to relationships between parents, siblings, and couples, driven by secrecy, insecurity, and perceived (or actual) inequality – but in many families, it does.

There are seemingly endless articles on how to create wealth but very little written about how to navigate being an inheritor. So, here we share examples from inheritor clients from the rising generation that acknowledge and validate the complexity of growing up with significant wealth. We also offer advice on how to initiate conversations with parents about how they intend to transfer their assets and share examples of how to thrive as a wealth owner and steward.

Growing Up in a Bubble

“Growing up, my parents weren’t around much due to their business. I was often told they worked hard to provide me with a better life than they experienced. I attended the best private schools and traveled on luxurious vacations. All of my neighbors and peers lived a similar lifestyle, and it was before social media so, honestly, I didn’t realize that I was different from most.

This changed in college. My parents sold their business and started really spending money. I became the ‘spoiled kid’ with a brand-new luxury car. I made the mistake of inviting a few friends to one of our vacation homes, and from that point on, I felt like they expected me to cover the bill whenever we went out. I started to question who my real friends were. Did people like me or just want something from me?”

Redefining Success

“I was unhappy at school. I struggled with my engineering major. My parents insisted that work wasn’t meant to be enjoyable, and I’d better make enough money after college to support my lifestyle because I would be on my own. That was fine, because I wanted to make it on my own and not be dependent. Although I really enjoyed cooking and dreamed of opening my own restaurant, I suffered through college courses I hated and even got a master’s degree hoping to make my parents proud. But inside, I was miserable.”

It can be overwhelming living in the shadow of successful parents or grandparents, trying to live up to high expectations. The likelihood of attaining a level of success even close to the wealth creator’s is extremely rare, and this can be paralyzing for the rising generation. Often, inheritors feel molded to fit a certain structure to meet their family’s expectations, rather than free to forge their own path. The pressure can have very real negative effects on mental health.

To combat this challenge, we encourage redefining the concept of “success” to not be tied merely to financial goals, instead focusing on what supports individual well-being and living life with purpose. Some of the most successful individuals by societal standards are not happy or fulfilled. Also, ironically, having a high-net-worth statement has nothing to do with one’s actual worth as an individual. 

Talking About Money

“My parents avoided discussions about the sale of their business and financial plans for the future. Whenever I asked, they just acted weird, wondering why I cared so much. That left me feeling ungrateful and entitled.

I never took a finance course and was pretty careless with spending. I was depressed and lonely – racked with guilt, knowing that no one had empathy for the poor little rich kid.”

Yes, it is uncomfortable to talk about money – especially when it has been a taboo subject throughout your life. Parents are afraid to raise the subject, and the next generation are worried they may be seen as greedy or nosy for asking. But communication is critical. 

We recommend approaching the conversation with authenticity and vulnerability. Here are a few things to consider.

• Start by sharing appreciation for their hard work, acknowledging their sacrifices, and expressing a commitment to being responsible. 
• The opportunity to engage without seeming entitled comes through showing interest and seeking guidance. Do they have desires for their legacy? Do they have specific wishes for their end-of-life care? How do they want financial affairs managed? What are their hopes and expectations for the money?
• Acknowledge that discussing succession and mortality is uncomfortable, but seeking answers to questions can help position you to better support the family in difficult times.
• Parents want the opportunity to tell their story and share their hopes and dreams for the impact of wealth on their family. Ask questions – then really listen.
• Recognize that opening the lines of communication may be a process more than an event, and one not everyone is comfortable sharing. In those instances, be clear that your intentions are to mitigate any issues that could arise due to lack of knowledge.  

Wealth holders often say they do not tell their kids about the family’s financial situation or give details about future inheritance because they fear the knowledge could reduce the children’s motivation and work ethic. 

In our experience, however, not sharing information can do more harm than good, leaving the next generation totally unprepared for what is to come.

What Do We Do Now?

“My dad made all the financial decisions for our family. My mom knew very little about their personal finances, which became a crisis when my dad got sick and was hospitalized. He built relationships with investors, wealth managers, accountants, and bankers. He wrote very little down, and Mom was completely burdened trying to manage it all. Unbeknownst to me, I was listed as his executor and Power of Attorney, but I had no idea how to help. 

Thankfully, he pulled through his illness, and in a panicked frenzy, he started downloading details about the family’s financials to Mom and me. To say it was overwhelming is an understatement.”  

As Albert Einstein said, “In the midst of every crisis lies great opportunity.” But why wait for a crisis? The opportunity is now. 

Communication is the foundation of healthy relationships. It’s OK to acknowledge this conversation is uncomfortable and weird. It’s not a “normal” issue and admitting that you don’t know how to approach it is perfectly valid. Parents and grandparents often feel just as uncomfortable and lost. They want the money to be a positive influence but often have no idea how to accomplish this goal. Initiating a conversation is a great first step. 

Overarching Recommendations

We fully recognize that no one wants to hear about the challenges significant wealth can bring to personal identity and family relationships, but silence and secrecy around these topics do not help anyone. By fostering authentic and open conversations about wealth transfer, families can mitigate the often-undiscussed challenges of growing up wealthy and create a legacy of not just financial abundance but also emotional well-being and strong familial bonds.